[Teasers & Links
Below!]
Ah, yes. Pro-Wrestling. The medium
that has allowed me to gain great fame and non-fortune. For 7 years
and counting, Yours me'ly has cut my teeth on the sport of
kings--kings who wear bikini underwear-- as the voice of the truly
tasteless, which has allowed me to acquire a following not seen since
the days of Jesus. Aguilera
, I mean. You know, Carlito's
ex-bodyguard? I'm sure there was a few people who liked him.
How could you not? He wore Banana-colored pants pulled up to
his nipples! My Grandfather is the only other dude I've ever
seen pull off this look
convincingly.
Anyway, below, you will see hundreds of
my Wrestling archives, read by millions, one quarter of
which even came back for more after being completely offended
and disgusted. Even!
These columns, along with my
patented Recapitations and Satires, have been re-posted
and reformatted for your reading pleasure, all
illustrated with the photoshops and written in the
Insane stream of consciousness-style I've pioneered. That's
right, some pioneers discover new countries for
which to make a new life and community for family & friends;
*I* "pioneer" by spending nearly a decade trying to think of new
masturbation jokes, making pictures of Vince McMahon being
raped by Panda Bears, and desperately trying to come up with
new & different ways to say Hulk Hogan is orange, and
laugh at the fact that he does his grocery shopping in a
WEIGHTLIFTER'S BELT (Who know how
heavy that produce may be, bruther!), in
addition to the fact that he wears a DEW RAG with a
tuxedo. That's class.
Bruther.
In any event, whether you want
Pay-per-view Recaps, Full parodies, or my patented
"Back-Leg Frontkick" column that has mutated over the years
from straight "News" parodies to just an excuse
to make fun of one topic, no matter how seemingly
irrelevant, it's all here (or will be. I still have about 100
more archives coming).
So, relive the pain all over again, and slowly watch my passion for this
industry evaporate by the time 2005 rolled around. It's great. If
you have a really good computer and a keen eye, a prepared
pancreas, you'll see the exact moment I'm driven mad and lose
the will to live.
(Cough*UNFORGIVEN2004*cough.).
So let's get to it. Full Archivery (It is
too a word! It's Wrestling! No one disputes "Thuganomics" and
Destrucity". Come on!) for you to sink your teeth into. Or
tooth, if indeed you fit the stereotype most wrestling fans
are thought to fall into.
PRO WRESTLING
LINKAGE~!
(Newest content found at the bottom of
the
page).
RECAPITATION: WRESTLEMANIA XIX! (03/30/03) On this
night, Triple H sets race relations back a hundred years!
Brock Lesnar debuts his vaunted Shooting star face-plant!
Stone Cold & Rock make the only good third sequel in
history! HBK turns the other cheek, while refusing to put his
shoulders down! And Hulkamania meets Egomania, in a battle
twenty years in the not really giving a shit about! All this,
plus so much more! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: JUDGMENT
DAY 2003: (05/18/03) welcome to
JUDGMENT DAY! You know, the day God decides to just pack it in
and end the world, before passing final judgment upon thee for
your many sins. One of which is ordering a pay-per-view being
headlined by Kevin Nash. You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Enjoy your eternity! (which for the record is what this PPV
felt like...) Click HERE
to read Sean's
Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: BAD
BLOOD 2003: (06/16/03) It's Bad Blood! RAW's first ever
single brand pay-per-view, and the first rejected name for
Rock Hudson's autobiography! The good news is HHH and Kevin
Nash went to Hell. The bad news is they came back. Just who
walked out (hobbled out) of the UNFORGIVING structure as
champion? And can anything ever make this cage accept an
apology? Click
HERE to read Sean's
Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: VENGEANCE 2003: (07/23/03) Eddie Guerrero
becomes the champion of USA for you, esse! Sable battles
Stephanie McMahon in wrestling's first No holds used
match, Big Show, Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar engage in a
three way, and the War Amps officially stop asking Vince
McMahon for donations. Imagine that. Click
HERE to read Sean's
Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: SUMMER
SLAM 2003: (08/24/03) It's Summer-time! And the living
is easy. Pity you won't feel the same way after this fucking
show is done. Featuring: The only Jew on earth insisting he
get locked in something called an "elimination chamber"! And
Kurt Angle taking on "the real" Brock Lesnar! The robot clone
he normally uses is in the shop getting repaired, apparently.
Click
HERE to read Sean's
Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 09.17.03:
Giving My Two Cents (Then Taking it Back Since It's Canadian,
And Thus Worthless). Featuring: God Smites The Useless!
It's Not Sodom And Gomorrah, but Hey, That One Dude Did Do
Unnatural Things With His Ass! Plus, Impending HHH Wedding
Buzz (And Not From YJ Stinger Bees), Chyna Changes Her
Name But Keeps Her Masculinity, And The Actual Retail Value Of
TNA. All This, Plus Much More! Click HERE To
Read!
RECAPITATION: UNFORGIVEN 2003: (09/21/03) It's
Unforgiven! The show that holds grudges. And then presents
grudge matches that you don't want to see. I mean, JR &
King vs. Coach & Al Snow? Dear lord. Plus, Shane battles
Kane as the rain falls mainly on the plain, and HHH loses a
quick ten pounds for his upcoming wedding! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 09.22.03:
Featuring, Brock Won't Be Representing The Special Olympics
Any Time Soon, Goldberg Gets The Gold Then Never Spends It
Again, X-Pac Don't Treat Chyna Like A Woman, He Don't Treat
Her Like A Man, He Treat Her Like A Punching Bag, And Vince
Wants To Slip The McManhood To Steph? Dear God. All This, Plus
Much More! Click HERE To
Read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 09.29.03:
Featuring: Theories On Stephanie's Genetic Anomalies, The
Non-White House Hopes Of Teddy Long, Mark Henry's Potential
Hibernation, How The Divas May Have Broke The 7th Seal Of The
Apocalypse, And Hunter Won't Put Over The Animal Kingdom
Either; All This, Plus Much More! Click HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: NO MERCY
2003: (10/19/03) One week before her wedding, a
Father gives away the bride... forever... by choking the life out
of her. If only all weddings cost this little. Plus, a
Wolverine gets on the tracks and causes an A-Train to derail! Zach
Gowen gets a leg up on Matt Hardy, Eddie Guerrero goes from the
fire into the frying pan hands, and Undertaker battles Brock
Lesnar in the "first ever" Biker chain match. Huh. Now we know
why it's never happened again. Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 10.30.03:
Halloween Edition! But Not Really! Featuring Insane Musings!
Hukamania Running , err, Gingerly Walking Wildly! Stu Hart
Taps Out To The Grim Reaper! Road Warrior Hawk Dines On
Death..Literally! No Mercy Quick & Dirty, And My
Super-Secret Inside Coverage of The Wedding Of The Century!
Only Three Mid-Carders Were Held Back In The Making Of The
These Nuptials! All This, Plus Much More~! Click HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: SURVIVOR
SERIES 2003: (11/16/03) It's the Survivor Series! Now
with one less McMahon! And as a result, Bret Hart hates this
pay-per-view a little less. Featuring: Brock Lesnar learning
that you can lead a Hoss to water, but you can't make them
win. Wait, that's not how it goes. Plus, Vince McMahon buries
The Undertaker, and Goldberg surprisingly avoids the same fate
at the hands of HHH! Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
SATIRE: HULKAMANIA FOREVER
(12/12/03:): We all know that by judging how slowly he moves
in the ring, the Stark Ravin' Hulkster is ancient, dude. But
just how Ancient? We now
have the answers! Apparently, Hulkamania began some 10,000
years ago, Jesus time! It's true! And we HAVE the
records! From the Ten Commandments (shortened to 4
sometime in the mid-80's), to how he *really* lost his
hair, to the ACTUAL first man (dude?) on the moon,
History has just been re-written, bruther. Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: ARMAGEDDON
2003: (12/14/03) Welcome to Armageddon! A moment you
always knew would come, but always hoped you'd never be around
to see. And now that it is finally here, you'll have to pay
the ultimate price. In this case, $39.95 for a
Goldberg/Kane/HHH match. Dear Lord. It's times like that you
wish it really was the end of the world.... Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
VAULT
RECAPITATION: WWF'S EVEN MORE UNUSUAL MATCHES
(12/26/03) The Konami cheat code is in effect when Hulk
Hogan(s) takes on Harley Race(s); plus the elderly, midgets,
women, animals! There all here! Is this 1980's WWF or the
world's most disturbing Fetish porn? You decide! Click
HERE to
read!
SATIRE: REJECTED WWE SHOPZONE ITEMS
(01/16/04): The following Items are not available for purchase
on WWE Shopzone. Go figure. From what makes Mark Henry
stink a little less (in-ring performances
notwithstanding), to how Bradshaw avoids disease whilst
breaking the spirits of much smaller men, we have all your
bases covered. Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: ROYAL RUMBLE
2004: (01/25/04) The Vanilla midget finally stands
tall! Well, as tall as you can stand at 5'8". Plus, "family
issues" are resolved the good old fashion way, with flying
headscissors and planchas! HHH and HBK face the conundrum of
what happens when two entities consisting of not wanting to do
jobs come into contact with one another, and Brock Lesnar
faces the toughest test of his career! ...Trying not to laugh
at the plight of Bob Holly. Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
SATIRE: WWE FALL TV PREVIEW
(02/13/04:) This fall, CBS Viacom will team with World
Wrestling Entertainment to bring you Classic TV revisited,
only this time featuring WWE personalities in starring roles,
in their desperate attempt to administer some FULL
NIELSEN'S! (HIYO!). The following is the scheduled line-up.
Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: NO WAY OUT
2004: (02/15/04) A night, that much like this great
country, was built upon the back of hardworking Mexicans! All
culminating with Eddie Guerrero battling Brock Lesnar for the
WWE Title! It's "Here comes the Pain" versus "There goes the
painkillers", and something has to give! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: WRESTLEMANIA XX.
(03/14/05) Where it all began again...for about six months
anyway; then it pretty much went back to the exact same
company as before! But whatever. It was a night to behold!
Vanilla midgets had their revenge! Aryan Supermen battled
hulking Jews while the whole thing is overseen by an angry
redneck! A deadman returns from the great beyond and looks
ready to hit a Honky tonk bar! It's CRAZY. Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
SATIRE: WWE GOES TO THE MOVIES!
(03/19/04) From the people who subjected the World to "WWE
Originals" comes the latest offerings from WWE Films, just in
time for the Summer Blockbuster season! And by "Blockbuster"
we mean the store. And by the store we mean the discount bin.
And by discount bin, we probably mean the dumpster out back;
because there's a better chance people will purchase fucking
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol than any of these
abortions. But hey, whatever. Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: BACKLASH 2004:
(04/18/04) It's Chris Benoit Day and Holocaust Remembrance Day, so
what better way to commemorate both then
to destroy a guy with an Iron cross on his tights? Plus, Mick
Foley introduces Randy Orton to Malibu's much-less-liked
sister "Truth or Consequences Barbie", and Chris Jericho takes
his dollar out of the hide of Christian and Trish Stratus!
Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
SATIRE: BROCK LESNAR: WRESTLING WITH
FOOTBALL (05/14/04) After taking his ball and going
home, Brock Lesnar has picked it up again, and fumbled it in
the NFL! Kind of. Here are the latest completely true and not
made up incidents The Next Big Thing has partaken
in while trying to adjust to the gridiron from wrestling.
Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: JUDGMENT DAY 2004:
(05/16/04) It's Judgment Day! And God decided the best way to
punish us heathens for our sins would be to subject us to a
Bradshaw main event push! Repent now before he gets another
rematch! Plus, Kurt "Blofeld" Angle torments a blond in lieu
of Bond, Mordecai tries Scotty 2 Hotty for the sin of living
in the past, and Booker T trades in his fishin' pole for some
voodoo black magic and still comes
up short against The Undertaker. Huh. Clearly, he should have
talked to the last voodoo guy who tried to mess with The
Undertaker. Might have saved himself a lot of grief. Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
SATIRE: CHRONICLES OF WARRIOR: OPERATION
WARRIOR! (06/04/04) The Amazing True ULTIMATE~! story
of the fall of Saddam. In a time of need, the U.S. government
knew there was only one man who could be counted on to turn
the tide of the Gulf War. That man was Ultimate Warrior. And
he did it all wearing only Speedoes. WARRIAH! Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: GREAT AMERICAN BASH
2004: (06/27/04) It's the birth of America's newest
summertime tradition! Well, so long as your idea of traditions
include suffocating your best friend in cement after just
saving him from a convoluted kidnapping plot! Plus a Dusty
finish in a world title match! Holy shit, this really IS The
Great American Bash after all! Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: VENGEANCE 2004:
(07/11/04) Triple H battles Chris Benoit, and a retard holds
the fate of the world in his hands! Hey, maybe he should run
for president! Plus, an Animal murders a Lion-tamer! Edge puts
a legend killer to justice! And Matt Hardy gets a measure of
revenge against the monster who secretly impregnated his
girlfriend, the only way he knows how: with a flurry of
wrestling offense! Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
SATIRE: CHRONICLES OF WARRIOR: WARRIOR OF
THE WORLDS! (07/16/04): Amidst a full
blown Extra-Terrestrial Invasion, there was only ONE
man to be counted on to dispose of Aliens. Usually, they're
just Mexicans, but hey whatever. You take what you can
get. Here is the never before heard (in English, and not,
umm, Warrior) tale of how THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR saved
the whole of humanity by waging inter-galactic war on
a non-human plague! (not Hulkamania). Click HERE to read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 07.31.04:
Featuring 1/1000 of Bret Hart Seeks Revenge on Vince McMahon,
Paul Bearer Is Trapped In a Glass Case Of Emotion, Mordecai
Raptured To The Unemployment Line, O'Haire's Telling The
Police Something They Don't Already Know, Ric Flair Pisses Off
Foley AND Bret Hart, Then Travels The Known Universe!
Wrestling's Most Celebrated Mustaches And Mullets! And Joanie
Laurer Debunks Myths of Her Gender By Hosting a Transsexual
Pageant! You Go, Umm, Questionable Girl! All This, Plus So
Much More! Click HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: SUMMER SLAM 2004:
(08/15/04) Retards get sacrificed! Hometown boys get run out
of town on a rail! Wolverines euthanized! Grim Reapers assault
millionaires! Strippers get balls in the face! And the
crowning of a fake youngest champion ever! What more could you
want? A crowd that'd respect what they are watching, instead
of doing the fucking wave? Umm, probably. Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 08.31.04:
Featuring , A Woman Beats Austin, Warrior Ramblings, Sable
Released Into Captivity, Viking Brock Lesnar Thrown
Over-Board, Divas Search Fallout, The Kane/Lita Wedding Album
& A Rabid Road Warrior Animal Attacking Random People On
Video... This Fall of Fox! All This Plus Much (MUCH) More!
Click HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: UNFORGIVEN 2004:
(09/12/04) Yesterday may have *technically* been September
11th, but I guarantee you this is a night Randy Orton will
"never forget"! Where's the NYFD when you need them? Someone
needs to dig Orton out of his hole here! Plus, Tyson Tomko
creates more problems than he solves, and Chris Jericho and
Y2J battle for the vacant Intercontinental title with "100
pound" Aluminum ladders! Man, Someone might have weighed them
on Hulk Hogan's scale! Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
(09/23/04): Featuring Chronic Jeff Jarrett, Heidenreich For
Dinner, Hulk Hogan Hype, The Death Of WCW, "Russo Style!", New
Gimmicks For Randy Orton, The Debut Of "Bullshit ", Eddie
Guerrero Gone Loco, The Raw Report Card, The Ultimate
Collection Of Warrior Insults, And Gene Snitsky's Makes Your
Pro Choice For You! All This Plus Much More! Click HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: NO MERCY 2004:
(10/04/04) It's No Mercy! The PPV that shows no sympathy for
you or your wallet. Featuring JBL, Undertaker, a hearse, a
pantsless chauffer, and the ultimate inhumanity of being
locked inside of an "inescapable" car! There's no escape
through that, umm, glass! So don't even try! Click
HERE to read Sean's Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: TABOO TUESDAY 2004:
(10/19/04) It's Taboo Tuesday! A HISTORIC night where,
FINALLY, YOU get to have your voice heard! It's just too bad
what you end up "saying" is what we've pretty much been seeing
for 2 years anyway! Damn you for opening your big mouth!
Featuring: For the first time in history, the father of the
baby is aborted! HHH and 3/4's of Shawn Michaels wage war!
Chris Benoit helps two Quebecers separate... from their tag
titles! And Ric Flair gets a (legend) killer behind bars!
Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 10.22.04:
Featuring: No More Patterson Jokes?, RAW And SmackDown
Diarrhea, HHH Travels Through Time! Terri Runnels For Sale!
Dissecting Vince! A Look At Some New Faces! And The Missing
Taboo Tuesday Rant! All This Plus Much More! Click HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: SURVIVOR SERIES
2004: (11/14/04) Germans and Jews reconcile their
differences to stop the Grim reaper! John Cena returns from
the dead, and Jesus is at the forefront! plus, Booker T prays
for a sixth finger, and Randy Orton bursts the bubble of the
most inflated team in Survivor Series history! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 11.19.04:
Featuring: Goldberg Has Heat With Hef, Huge Firings, WWF sues
WWE,What Really Happened To Vince,
And The Return of BULLSHIT! Featuring Dave Gagnon & Harry
Simon! TNA Invades WWE?, Carlito's "Conspiracy", Randy Savage
Is Insane, The Week That Was, And More Snitsky Than You Can
Shake A Stick At (Or A Coat Hanger). All This, Plus Much More!
Click HERE To Read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
12.03.04: YEAR-END 2004: In This Edition, I Look Back At The
Year That Was; Featuring Old Favorites, Quotable Quotes,
Highlights And Lowlights...And Of Course The Breakout Star of
2004 (Firguratively And Literally!) Gene Snitsky! All This,
Plus Much More! Click HERE To Read!
VAULT RECPITATION: MACHO MADNESS:
(12/04/04): Before he went completely insane, Macho Man
Randy Savage used to be just kind of insane. It's 1988.
It was all about Macho Madness. There was
nothing Macho couldn't do. Bar make sense. And avoid
a certain gigantic orange plague rolling in. This
is Coliseum Video's official release, with a
retrospective of the first half of Macho Man's WWF title
reign. All his great wars are documented! Honky Tonk Man! Ted
DiBiase! Ted DiBiase! Ted DiBiase! Ted Dibiase! And who could
forget Ted Dibiase! (He fought him a few times...).
Click HERE to read Sean's full Video
review!
RECAPITATION: ARMAGEDDON 2004:
(12/12/04) It's Armageddon! And as foretold in the Bible,
Jesus has returned! Only this time he's wielding a
cookie-sheet instead of a flaming sword! Who knew? Plus, in
the spirit of Cheech & Chong, Mexicans and marijuana
combine to make Dupree & Kenzo's title reign go up in
smoke! And despite the implications of Armageddon, the World
and the World Title reign of JBL
survive the night. Go figure. Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION
2005! (01/10/05) Triple H finally gets Chris Jericho
& Chris Benoit in a chamber, but forgoes the poison
pellet! Plus, Shelton Benjamin beats Maven like a red-headed mono-browed
step-child, Eugene & Lita head to Medical facility in
Puerto Rico, and secretly hope the doctor who treated Bruiser
Brody isn't on call, and Muhammad Hassan is a victim of
midcard profiling! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
01.22.05: In This Edition, Sean Looks at WWE Divas In Playboy,
Brock Lesnar's Return, More WWE ShopZone Buffoonery, And A
Cameo By Canadian Bacon! Joanie Loves (To Kick The Shit Out Of
) X-Pacy! The Homicidal, Genoicidal, Suicidal Erik Watts, Or
Maybe Just The Last Part, New Jack Stabs John Cena, And A
Whole Lotta Wrestlers Doing Stupid Things. Plus Three New
Additions To The Mullet Hall Of Fame! Plus Much More! Click
HERE To
Read!
RECAPITATION: ROYAL RUMBLE 2005!
(01/30/05) The Road to Wrestlemania 21 begins, and this time
it's man who becomes road kill at the hands of an animal!
plus, Heidenreich ends up in a casket, but not in the manner
in which we'd prefer! JBL proclaims his divinity! HHH does
Darwin proud, and Vince loses his mind...and his legs! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: NO WAY OUT 2005!
(02/20/05) Featuring the debut of the dreaded CARNIVORE that
was the Barb-wire steel cage! It once survived on berries and
shrubs alone, but now it has a taste for men! (Just like
Kanyon). Join Sean as he passes out on the side of the Road To
Wrestlemania, and decide for yourself whether it was truly No
Way Out, or "Which way out?!" Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: (02/25/05): New Look...Same Great Taste!
This Week Featuring: My Deep Dark Secret; Lex Luger Is
Guilty...Of Being A Fucking Moron; Anvil In Trouble; Stone
Cold = Dr. Evil? Me Getting Biblical; Vince Doesn't Have A Leg
To Stand On; Amy Weber Fucks Off; TNA Is Not OK; Motivation:
TWF Style! And Buying Batista's Underwear...All This, Plus
Much More! Click HERE To
Read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 03/23/05: Two Year TWF Anniversary
Special: Featuring Completely Random News; The ULTIMATE Triple
H Collection, Wrestling With Time, Matt Hardy FECES The Truth,
Worst Wrestlemania Matches EVER; Original Wrestlemania
Hi-Jinks, And WWE Films Presents! All This, Plus Much More~!
Click HERE
To Read!
RECAPITATION: WRESTLEMANIA XXI.
(04/03/05) It was the night Wrestlemania went Hollywood!
(Sorta!) A night Animals ran wild, Edge found lost money, HBK
& Angle put on a classic, and Wall-Street fell to... Wahlberg? Sounds about right. All
this, plus much more! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
04/15/05: In This WARRIOR-SIZED Edition, We Look At WWE
Hirings; WWE Firings; Fat Girls Crying; Searching For Divas;
Bischoff's Naked Wife; A New Satire; And WARRIOR Wants To End
My Life. (Well Sorta). All This Plus Much More!! Click
HERE To Read!
SATIRE: TV PREVIEW: HOGAN KNOWS
BEST! (04/24/05) Hulk Hogan is returning to
Network TV, bruther, with his very own Reality TV
show. And we have the *FIRST* look at what's in store for
us, dudes. Ep. 1-5 are detailed. No obese Non-Americans
were harmed in the making of this Series. Yet. Click
HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: BACKLASH 2005!
(05/01/05) Featuring Batista facing the single greatest
phenomenon to ever claim millions of innocent lives: the
PEDIGREE~! Plus, Hulk Hogan & Shawn Michaels (D-Generated
(e)X Champions?) battling Daivari, and a guy you're kinda supposed to forget ever
existed! It's Backlash, a show so memorable, I don't even
remember writing this Rant! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
SATIRE: THE WRESTLING FAN.COM
SHOPZONE: (05/07/05) Over the last 3 years, I have
created wrestling related products SO tasteless,
that they could only be found right HERE at The Wrestling
Fan.com! And maybe Hell. It replaces sulfur and burning on
Wednesdays. Here is the full collection on ONE
page. Click HERE to read!
SATIRE: RAW IS STARWARS!
(05/13/05) Now that George Lucas seemingly has A LOT of
time on his hands, (when he's not counting his money), I
take a look at what WWE might be like, if the show was
written by Mr. Star Wars himself. Click here to read RAW IS
STAR WARS! Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: JUDGMENT DAY 2005!
(05/22/05) It's Judgment Day, a day when God passes judgment
and punishment on all of humanity. And what better way to
punish people then to subject them to a 13th consecutive JBL
Main Event push? Plus, Bob Holly
gets his obligatory Spring-time tag title shot, Mexican on
tiny Mexican crime, Big Show relives a Disney classic, and
Orlando Jordan gets away with murder! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: ECW ONE NIGHT STAND!
(06/12/05) Much like a real one night stand, ECW delivered a
night of no strings attached wanton pleasure! Only, unlike a
woman, it only cost us 35 dollars to get off! If only all one
night stand's were this fulfilling. In any event, join Sean as
he looks at the chaos, memories and brutality that was perhaps
the best pay-per-view of the last 5 years! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
06/17/05: In This Jam-Packed Edition, I Help Matt Hardy
Start Dating Again, Explore Heidenreich's Strange
Transformation From Cole-Raping Poet To Pied Piper; JBL Serves
Blue Meanie A Low-Carb Potato, Harlem Sewer Mall-Rats, Orton's Shit
Doesn't Stink, Plus The TWF Debut Of "If They Mated!". All
This, Plus Much More! Click HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: VENGEANCE 2005!
(06/26/05) Join the fun as HHH and Batista move into the
Devil's duplex, Kane, Edge and Lita settle "divorce" the good
old fashioned way: with worked offense! HBK and Kurt Angle get
Biblical, and the Champ is still
here. All this plus much more! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
07/20/05: In This Lazy Summer Edition, I Look At Matt
Hardy: The Excellence Of Edgucution, Between A Brock and A
Hard Place, Mr. Ass Is An Asshole, Vince McMahon In The White
House, And Getting To Know The Potential Divas! All This, Plus
Much More! Or Less! Whatever! Click HERE To Read!
SATIRE: ULTIMATE WARRIOR 4
PRESIDENT! (07/30/05) In this edition, Sean Carless
takes a ridiculous look at a potential 2008 Presidential bid
for the Ultimate Warrior with: ULTIMATE WARRIOR FOR PRESIDENT!
Just how would the Warrior-man handle the "tough" issues like
immigration, the war on terror, and abortion? Press Slams?
Probably. It always seemed to work for everything else.
Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: GREAT AMERICAN BASH
2005! (07/24/05) The Not-So-Great American Bash. A
night where Undertaker single-handedly won the war on terror,
Animal found new love, and a Wrestling God punished us
heathens for our sins... by subjecting us to one of the worst
main event matches ever! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: SUMMER SLAM 2005!
(08/21/05) It's the "Biggest Party of the Summer". A night
built entirely around a match that for all intents and
purposes looked like a Hair Club ad for "Before" and "Way
Before!" Plus, angry atrophied Olympians look to murder the
mentally handicapped! An Animal battles a God that I suggest
might be a little more forgiving of Sodom & Gomorrah!
Adultery is settled the old fashioned way: WITH BODYSLAMS! And
a child goes home with the first diminutive Mexican to climb a
ladder. It's as true to life as you get. And I can't think of
a better way to spend a summer. Ok, I lied. I can. But no one
likes me, so I have no choice. Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: 09/09/05:
FINAL EDITION? This Month We Look At Vince Screwing Bret
Screwing Sunny, New Identities For Muhammad Hassan, Raven
Quote's The Torah Never More, Wrestling's Boulevard Of Broken
Dreams, Wrestling's WORST Theme Songs, And Revised
Motivational Posters! All This, Plus Much More! Click
HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: UNFORGIVEN 2005!
(09/18/05) It's WWE's most unforgiving show of the year; and
one that's apparently never read a fucking dictionary in its
life because it's not even a real word: UNFORGIVEN! Featuring:
A VICTORY for committed relationships! The end of racial
intolerance as we know it! Divine intervention interceding to
help a loyal disciple escape the clutches of a glorified
rest-hold! Senior citizens involved in Gang Bangs! And actual
NUDITY on PPV! (Dear God, it's not what you think.) You know,
fun for the whole family! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: NO MERCY 2005!
(10/09/05) From the people who brought you the Great American
Bash, comes this season's most uninteresting and forgetful
Pay-per-view: No Mercy! From BBQ'd wrestlers to BBQ'd
cheeseburgers, to matches built entirely around disgusting
bodily functions, there’s something for everyone! Unless
you’re normal. In that case you just saved yourself forty
dollars! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: TABOO TUESDAY 2005.
(11/01/05) A night dedicated to people who can't get laid! And
just because it was the lowest drawing WWE Pay-per-view EVER
last year, doesn't mean they shouldn't have tried it again! Oh
wait, yes it does. Regardless, it was the return of a night
where you finally had the power!...to choose from three
choices they've picked!...two of which are horrible. But other
than that, it's all up to you! YOU WERE THE PROMOTER!
Featuring, one man definitely not Big Show or Kane joining
Kurt Angle and John Cena in the main event, HHH battling Ric
Flair in a SURPRISE "non-predetermined" match decided by YOU
the fans (umm, don't let that huge pre-assembled cage hanging
above the ring influence you!) ) and Batista steps in for
Steve Austin who had to move a love seat, to wrestle a career
worst match against Goldust, the Coach, and an extremely obese
Vader, who just earlier had three choices of his own to make:
Just what huge meal would he consume, pre-match? (it was a
three-way tie!) All this, plus much more! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG
FRONTKICK: 11/25/05: 2005 Quasi-Year End
Blowout Edition Or Something Like That!: Featuring: Completely
Random News: Not Really Year In Review! Plus, *ALL NEW*
Material Including WWE Whore Zone, Vince Opens A Wendy's, And
Chappelle's Show: WWE Style! All This Plus Much More! Click
HERE To Read!
RECAPITATION: SURVIVOR SERIES
2005. (11/27/05) From the people who brought you the
complete and utter destruction of Bret Hart's life comes
Survivor Series! It's RAW Vs. SmackDown! Men Vs. Women and
Children! And good sense versus the booking of a Teddy Long
Vs. Eric Bischoff match! On this night, WWE puts that whole
"brand extension" thing on hold for a night of
interpromotional mayhem! But things go back to normal
tomorrow, 'cause let's face it, you don't sell one hundred
ppv's in one year with just one roster! *ahem*. Plus, the WWE
title is on the line when The Marine John Cena battles Kurt
Angle. It's Leathernecks vs. Broken Freakin' necks! Or
something! Just how did Sean see Sur Ser 2005? Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: ARMAGEDDON 2005.
(12/18/05) It's Armageddon! Undertaker and Randy Orton go to
Hell! Tim White goes to Heaven! The Mexicools stay in limbo!
What more could you want? (a decent show, maybe?) All this,
Plus much more! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION
2006. (01/08/06) Just how does a scumbag Adulterer
become the top babyface in the company? This PPV answers that
question and more! Well, except for the question of why Jerry
Lawler is wrestling on PPV. There's no answers for that! It's
New Year's Revolution!...over a week after New Years! But hey,
'Middle of January Revolution' don't sell pay-per-views, baby!
Featuring Grandmothers sexually assaulting Divas! Mothers
fighting their sons battles! And Son-in Laws smiting Giants!
Plus, the crowd has taken a page from this show's name and
revolted against John Cena! Did they find justice? Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
SATIRE: H 2.0: GUESS WHHHO's HHHHAVING A
BABY! (01/18/06) A ridiculous look at the peaks and
valleys of the Helmsley's first child. What's in store for
Triple H and Steph over the next nine months; and how will HHH
react when someone is yelling "push!" and it isn't directed at
him? It's all here! From copulation to birth and beyond, I've
clearly gone too far. Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: ROYAL RUMBLE 2006.
(01/29/06) It's the RUMBLUS 2006: Where It All Begins Again!?
That's right. If you're a John Cena fan, this was definitely
your night; but if you're not, you're probably still picking
shards of TV glass out of your fist right now! Plus, Rey
Mysterio proves really big things can happen to really little
people, while Kurt Angle versus Mark Henry proves that bad
matches can happen to great champions. All in all, you'll feel
like hurling yourself over the ropes after this Rant! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
SATIRE: LIFE AFTER WRESTLING: JOBS AFTER
DOING JOBS!: (02/11/06). Just what does a wrestler do
when he doesn't wrestle anymore? Sean explores this and more
in perhaps his most ridiculous Satire ever! From Lita being
the perfect host! (for diseases?) to Jake Roberts DDTing
mortality, Ric Flair putting his "Road Rage" to good use, and
Goldberg "jack-hammering" for Jehovah, it's all here and
more! Click HERE to read!
SATIRE: WWE STRAIGHT TO DVD
RELEASES! (03/15/06) In this satire, Sean looks at
possible future movie vehicles for various WWE stars, and what
may be on the horizon for WWE cough*XFL*cough Films. Click
HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: WRESTLEMANIA 22
(04/02/06) It's Wrestlemania! The Grand Daddy of Them All!
Featuring actual Grand Daddy's wrestling in High profile
matches! It was a historic night, that saw one streak end, two
streaks continue, no one streak in a Playboy match, and the
need of selling merchandise supersede the demands of a bunch
of angry dudes. Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: BACKLASH 2006
(04/30/06) It's Backlash! A night of Holy miracles and holy
shit moments! A night where God took a powder, The King of
Kings jobbed for your sins, and psychiatrists alike were
baffled as to how we can hear the inner most thoughts of
tormented seven foot demons! Just what did WWE have in store
for us? Who walked out as Champions, and who just plain didn't
walk out at all? Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
SATIRE: THE DREAM MATCH: SHAWN MICHAELS
VS. JESUS!: (05/04/06) Just when you thought WWE
couldn't sink any lower with the HBK/God storyline, Sean
Carless chimes in with the MONEY match we REALLY want to see:
"THE DREAM MATCH: Shawn Michaels Vs. Jesus!" Just how would
the resilient HBK fare against the even more resilient King of
Kings (the non-Lemmy bearded variety) in a thrilling catch as
catch can (and not fish) tête - à - tête? And what kind of
offense could we expect out of the Savior? Sean breaks it all
down and probably guarantees eternal damnation, all for you
reading pleasure! Click HERE to read!
SATIRE: ECW GOES SCI-FI!
(05/31/06) With the announcement that ECW is set to debut on
the Sc-Fi channel, speculation abounded as to what Vince had
in mind when he claimed that ECW would *appeal* to Sci-Fi
fans. With that said, join Sean as he takes a ridiculous look
at potential science-fiction inspired gimmicks for ECW stars
and the possible new faces that will join the fold! Sabu leaps
from the top rope and through time! RVD hunts down the future
leader of the human resistance with potatoes! Tazz calls the
action in a 6 inch tall plastic space suit! It's all here! No
Trekkies were harmed in the making of this satire. Except one.
But he was morbidly overweight anyway, so it was probably just
natural causes. Click HERE to read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: SUMMER OF SEAN!
(06/09/06) Featuring: TWF True Hollywood Death Valley Story: Kane;
Plus, RAW Thoughts, "Whatever Happened To", And Much
More! This Column Is Brought To You By God, Jesus And MR.
McMahon! Discretion Is Advised. Some Scenes Contain Stuff.
Click HERE To Read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
SEANDOWN!: (06/24/06) Smackdown the way it was
meant to be seen! On a Friday night instead of getting laid!
Good choice!. This week, Booker T. & Lashley continue
to have as many matches as William Regal says "All hail King
Booker!", the sovereign nation of Mexicool is divided in
unruly cival war! And Mark Henry vows to win the World
Heavyweight Championship, in hopes that the belt is really
chocolate wrapped in foil! All this plus much more! Click
HERE To Read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: Total
Nonstop Bullshit! (07/21/06) Sean Carless's
Ridiculous View Into TNA As Seen By...Sean Carless.(Who Else Would It Be?)
Featuring: Complete TNA iMPACT! Recap, Blowing The Lid Off Of
Terrorism In Orlando~!, And Reasons Why Jeff Jarrett Is... Awesome? All This Plus Much More!
Click HERE To Read!
BACK-LEG
FRONTKICK: (08/10/06) *Jam-Packed Edition*,
Featuring Fall TV Preview 2006, Completely Random News: With
WWEnzymes~!, Diva's Search Fallout, Patterson's Heart Go
Banana, Hulk Hogan Jobs To A Counch, Vince Fights Science, And
More! Plus, Undertaker Taken Under The Wing Of Mr. Miyagi, An
*Exclusive* Behind The Scenes Look at John Cena's "The
Marine", And Things I Learned From Watching WWE! All This,
Plus Much More! Click HERE To Read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
SEANDOWN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!: (08/26/06) This
week, Sean's got all your Smackdown bases covered! Featuring,
George Orwell's tale coming to life as the Animals are
revolting! "Terkays", Buffalos, Pitbulls and umm, Batistas
running amok!Or Walking Amok. Through pit of
Dangers. Plus, emasculated broken men doing battle to
determine who is more pathetic! Plus Bonus pics! Stupidity!
Anything to take our minds of this show! Click HERE
to read!
RECAPITATION: UNFORGIVEN 2006
(09/17/06) It's the pay-per-view that just won't let bygones
be bygones! It's Unforgiven. And Sean was there LIVE. Join us
as Sean recounts his crazy day, the full show, plus provides a
bonus satire! All this plus John Cena gives Toronto the big
F.U.! A Canadian actually gets to leave this company with a
World Title! Kane and Umaga believe in an eye for an eye and a
thumb for a thumb! Plus we find out what happens when Scottish
warriors from the middle ages battle cheerleaders! And HBK
puts heaven on hold to go to Hell with HHH (who's going there
anyway) to battle The McMahons, Big Show, and hands like
skillets! They can cook EGGS and deliver punishment! All this
plus so much more in this HUGE Rant just brimming with
ridiculousness~! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
TWF SOUR 25! (11/13/06)
Obviously spoofing WWE's "Power25", TWF Sour 25 ranks the Top
25 (Bottom 25?) wrestling offenders, blunderers, idiots or the
just plain misfortunate of the week in classic TWF style. Just
who clocked in at number one this particular week, and
why? Click HERE to read!
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS
PRODUCTS!: (11/20/06) With Christmas just around the
corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars
(left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking
pay-per-views this year) then on the following "quality WWE
merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and
fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what
"plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't
think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously.
They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.). Click
HERE to read Sean's ridiculous Shopzone
spoof!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: RAW RECAPPING
FOR DUMMIES: (11/30/06): It's a RAW Review more
bare-bones than Nicole Ritchie. It's RAW Recapping For
Dummies~! Featuring the Captain Trips Virus released,
with 2 Casualties thus far, and more to come (Many more).
Plus, the will of the people see a fledgling pudgy
announcer chosen over a marquee inter-champion showdown.
Holy shit. It's no wonder we've had to put up with George Bush
for 8 years. All this, plus much more! Click HERE to read!
VIDEO SATIRE: WWE's 12 DAYS OF
CHRISTMAS! (12/15/06) WWE took so much from us this
year (mainly our money, but hey, what's rent and food compared
to the hilarious boyish antics of DX~!), so it's only fair we
take a look at what they actually GAVE us. In any event, this
is TWF's first ever full video Satire, so Click here to watch
as Sean butchers a Christmas classic, TWF-style. (and does it
all ass-backwards in honor of the WWE.). Click HERE to read!
TWF SOUR 25! (12/29/06)
Obviously spoofing WWE's "Power25", TWF Sour 25 ranks the Top
25 (Bottom 25?) wrestling offenders, blunderers, idiots or the
just plain misfortunate of the week in classic TWF style. Just
who clocked in at number one this particular week, and
why? Click HERE to read!
SATIRE: WWE ACQUIRES THE HISTORY
CHANNEL: (01/19/07) For years, people have asked, "What
would happen if Vince McMahon could dictate recorded world
history?" OK, no one ever said that. But it doesn't mean that
we can't pretend, right? Join Sean Carless as he looks at how
Vince McMahon would spin history if it were indeed for sale.
From Bryan Clarke ending World conflicts to Triple H
conquering most of Europe with thunderous pedigrees, to Divas
being burned at the stake, Sean has all your bases covered and
then some. Click HERE to read!
RECAPITATION: ROYAL RUMBLE 2007
(01/28/07) It's the Royal Rumble! The 2nd most important
pay-per-view of the year's scheduled 3000! And Sean has all
your results and buffoonery. Kelly Kelly handles your balls!
Test puts the 'Extreme' back in extremely shitty finish!
Another Kennedy is killed in Texas! The Bulldozer runs out of
gas! Batista's still on the gas! And The Rumble goes to one of
the most popular deadman in Texas! (Not the Von Erichs). All
this, plus much more! Click HERE to read the Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: (01/29/07):
Insane Stream Of Consciousness Buffoonery Is Back..For One Day
Anyway! Featuring: Kurt Angle's Plunge Into Madness, Kenny
Dykstra Turns Lesbian, Undertaker's Secret Days As A Member Of
The Riverdale Gang, Fan Laws, FanGirls, Abyss Has Got A Gun,
Motivational Posters For New ECW, And A Special In-Column
Satire: WWE's Oscar Season Movies! All This, Plus Much More~!
Click HERE To Read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: EXTREMELY DRUNK
WRESTLING~!: (02/08/07:) Full *uncensored* insane
drunken ramblings on EC-Dub!... and a heartfelt goodbye to
Anna Nicole Smith. Ok, maybe not that heartfelt. Something
gets felt, though. I promise. Click HERE to
read!
RECAPITATION: NO WAY OUT 2007
(02/18/07) It's No Way Out! The last-big money grab before the
Grand Daddy Of Them All! On this night, The Road To
Wrestlemania began, but there were several casualties along
the way, and one trip to a known homosexual rest-stop! Ok,
there wasn't, but I just wanted to use that segue. In any
event, it was a night where Animals betrayed their Masters! An
Asian redneck and a Mexican worked in unison to stop the 13
month rampage of a Hurricane! London & Kendrick channeled
AJAX and cut through Grease! And Bobby Lashley provided your
fill of Extreme!... if the 'Extreme' you were after was
disappointment! All this, plus more! Click
HERE to read the Recapitation!
VAULT RECAPITATION: WRESTLEMANIA 1
(02/25/07) We’re on the Road to Wrestlemania, but first, Sean
once again takes an off road piss break as he journeys back
some 20+ years to where it all began: WRESTLEMANIA 1! It's
1985, and long before Vince had visions of paying useless
strippers 250 K for sitting in pies, or nearly bankrupting the
company with bush-league football, he had a dream:
WRESTLEMANIA! An event SO huge, it could only be carried on
Hulk Hogan’s Barn Door Back, Bruther.
Click HERE to read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
BREAKING NEWZ~! (03/03/07) Hulk Hogan attends the
funeral of Anna Nicole Smith!...but why was he REALLY there?
(bruther). Join paragon of journalistic integrity Sean Carless
as he blows the lid off this story with SHOCKING INFORMATION
that you will not believe! (And if you do, dear god, man.)
Click HERE for this breaking story!
TWF SOUR 25! (03/21/07)
Obviously spoofing WWE's "Power25", TWF Sour 25 ranks the Top
25 (Bottom 25?) wrestling offenders, blunderers, idiots or the
just plain misfortunate of the week in classic TWF style. Just
who clocked in at number one this particular week, and
why? Click HERE to read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
BREAKING NEWZ~! (03/25/07) TNA's Abyss goes on a savage
killing spree at the behest of his mother! 2/3rds of the TNA
locker room murdered! Join paragon of journalistic integrity
Sean Carless as he blows the lid off this story with SHOCKING
INFORMATION that you will not believe! Because it's all made
up! But, hey, whatever! Click HERE
for this breaking story!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
SPOTLIGHT: GIMMICK TABLE HIJACKED! (03/30/07) Just
in case you missed Sean Carless' Guest appearance at
Wrestlecrap last week, here's an archived look at his
one-time-only fill-in GIMMICK TABLE. Featuring WWE
International! A ridiculous look at WWE's possible global
expansion. Where else can you see WWE trying to book events in
the former communist Soviet Union? (and Of Course Not
realizing It's No Longer Communist. USA! USA!
USA!). Click HERE
to check it out!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
BREAKING NEWZ~! (04/01/07) As you get ready for
Wrestlemania, paragon of journalistic integrity Sean Carless
blows the lid off last night's SUPER-SECRET WWE HALL OF FAME
INDUCTIONS that you had to not see to not believe! Savage!
Steamboat! Warrior! All were secretly honored! Click HERE
for this breaking story!
RECAPITATION: BACKLASH 2007
(04/30/07) It's Backlash, the pay-per-view that leaves a bad
taste in God's mouth! A night where the WWE Championship is
contested by six-degrees of Marines! A Fake Marine! A
Disgraced Marine! A guy who got his ass kicked by nine at
once! And a guy... who lived a few miles from Marineland?
Close enough. Plus, Bobby Lashley is no longer the
(child-like) face of ECW! Undertaker and Batista wrestle to a
dead (HIYO) heat! Cade & Murdoch generate no heat! Sean
has all your bases covered and more in one of the biggest most
jam-packed Rants EVER! Click HERE to read Sean's full insane Recapitation!
RECAPITATION: ONE NIGHT STAND 2007
(06/03/07) After two memorable consecutive One Night Stands,
WWE delivers the kind you blame fully on alcohol and never
ever admit to enjoying! It's One Night Stand 2007! And Dr.
Vince has surgically removed 95% of ECW in favor of Great
Khali & Mark Henry! EC-DUBle cross! On this night, John
Cena makes Great Khali his own personal Pun-jobber! Edge
enters an Animal cage and lives to tell the tale! Dominatrix
Bobby Lashley enters into a S&M relationship with Vince
McMahon! (well, maybe just the S part) and women wrestle in
EXTREME pudding! What more could you want? ECW? No soup for
you. All this, plus much more! Click HERE to read Sean's full insane Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: BREAKING
NEWZ~! (06/12/07) If you saw RAW, you'll know that
Vince was whacked! Join Sean Carless as he blows the lid off
of the ALTERNATE ENDING for Vince's apparent DEATH, not-at-all
stolen from another controversial Television moment, that
didn't happen on Sunday night. Not even. Click HERE for this breaking story!
TWF SOUR 25! (07/12/07)
Obviously spoofing WWE's "Power25", TWF Sour 25 ranks the Top
25 (Bottom 25?) wrestling offenders, blunderers, idiots or the
just plain misfortunate of the week in classic TWF style. Just
who clocked in at number one this particular week, and
why? Click HERE to read!
WWE.COM PARODY: LIVE FROM THE
PUNJAB! (07/25/07) If one thing is abundantly
clear, it's that WWE.com has some of the best writers
never, hence the following parody of a WWE.com article on The
Great Khali. While it was already horribly subtly racist, I
decided "why be even that subtle?" and replaced
several key words in the piece to make it even worse. This was
the result. Click HERE to read!
WWE.COM PARODY: LINDA MCMAHON GOES
BERSERK! (08/10/07) Sean Carless returns with BREAKING
NEWZ out of Stamford! Linda McMahon has gone HAYWIRE and
murdered several WWE superstars! Click
HERE
for all the details on this incredibly fake and untrue story!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: BREAKING
NEWZ~!: (08/13/07) Completely true and not tasteless
and insensitive breaking news into the *shocking* sudden death
of Brian "Crush" Adams! Just which shocking
parties were possibly involved? And how did his
partnership in "Kronik" possibly lead to his death? (IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK). Click HERE for
all the latest
details!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: THIS JUST
IN!~!: (08/17/07) Hulk Hogan's house Robbed!
(seriously). Culprit revealed! (not seriously). Click HERE
for all the latest details, Bruther!
SATIRE: TWF HELL (08/30/07) Where
stupid and completely tasteless ideas go when they die! Join
Sean as he takes you through some previous discarded ideas for
satires and parodies that often bring new meaning to the term
"inappropriate". But be warned, most content contained within
is Not Work Safe so enter at your own discretion! (Page also
contains many .gif animations, so dial-up beware!). Click HERE to go to
Hell!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: RUSSOLAND
REVISITED. (09/14/07) Join Sean as he tackles Russoland
for the first time in over a year in search of the elusive
legends known as "Common Sense" and "Continuity".
Then marvel as he slips dangerously into an alcohol
induced coma as a result. (seriously.). Click HERE to
read Sean's full insane Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: BREAKING NEWZ~!:
SUPER SECRET WRESTLEMANIA 24 DREAMCARD LEAKED!
(09/21/07) Join Professional Truth-Teller Sean Carless as he
reveals the huge Wrestlemania card Vince McMahon doesn't want
you to know about! Mostly because it's a lie! Ahem. Click HERE for all the latest details!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: RAW RECAPPING FOR
DUMMIES~! (10/02/07). Sean Carless returns this week
with a special look at RAW from his deranged perspective with
a full dose of unbridled ridiculousness! Triple H does a
job to the guy who passes him the salt every Sunday night at
dinner! Cody Rhodes is fed to the Rookie Monster! And Randy
Orton finds Super Cena's Kryptonite! All this, plus much more!
Click HERE to
read Sean's insane RAW ramblings!
RECAPITATION: NO MERCY 2007!
(10/07/07) On the account of no visible PPV Rant coming in
that month, Sean Carless pulled himself from his stupor to
pull us through with a No Mercy Halfcapitation or, "HOW I GOT
REALLY DRUNK AND LEARNED TO TOLERATE A TRIPLE H EGO FUCK". It
was the greatest night in the history of the sport!... so long
as your last name was umm, Hearst-Helmsley? That's right, in one
night, Triple H made up for missing the previous 8 months by
pinning everyone and everything in his path! Plus The dreaded
Punjabi Prison returned! You know, India's high security
Roofless Prison system? All this, plus much more! Click HERE to read Sean's Recapitation Halfcapitation!
TWF SOUR 25!
(10/12/07) Obviously spoofing WWE's "Power25", TWF Sour 25
ranks the Top 25 (Bottom 25?) wrestling offenders, blunderers,
idiots or the just plain misfortunate of the week in classic
TWF style. Just who clocked in at number one this
particular week, and why? Click HERE to
read!
RECAPITATION: CYBER SUNDAY 2007
(10/28/07) It's Cyber Sunday! The PPV that only sounds like a
late night online encounter with an alleged woman. But at
least, during that, there's a chance you might actually get
what you want. Ahem. On this night, we, the FANS had our
voices heard! Unless that voice was saying "We want Jericho".
They didn't hear that. Oh well. But what we did get was HBK
shaking off 3000 chinlocks to win his match against Randy
Orton...by disqualification.
Because let's face it, clean finishes on paid shows are silly.
Triple H took it to the streets... in his underwear! And an
Animal survived its trip to the Pet Cemetery! Sean has all
your coverage and insane observations as only a night of
copious alcoholic self-abuse can provide! Click
HERE to read Sean's full insane Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: THIS JUST IN:
SAVE_US_BKR.T?: (11/09/07) Following WWE's
SaveUs_222 , TNA has started their
own viral marketing campaign. But just who is it that's
coming to TNA, Sucka? It's a real heads-cratcher, if you can
dig that. Join Sean Carless as he attempts to umm, solve this
mystery and uncover the identity, uncover the identity,
uncover the identity, uncover the identity, uncover the
identity and uncover the identity of TNA's newest signee.
Click HERE to read. No
neckbones were on in the making of this
expose.
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK:
(12/08/07): Obscenely Huge Year-End 2007 Edition!
Featuring: The Death Of Superman, The Death Of A Guy Who Never
Existed! People We Wish Never Existed! The Rise And Fall And
Fall And Fall And Fall of ECW! The Return Of Conan The Midcard
Destroyer! The Plight Of Made In The ICU Lex Luger! Y2J saves
Us From Everything But North Carolina Apathy! Vince McMahon
Blows Up, Stitches Himself Back Together, Then Apparently Puts
Wile E. Coyote In Charge Of Creative! All This, Plus Bonus
Items For the Xmas Season, And Mick Foley Starring In: "I AM
HARDCORE LEGEND". Click HERE To
Read!
SATIRE: THE NIGHT BEFORE
CHHHRISTMAS!: (12/24/07) A Special
Christmas Gift on Christmas Eve, From Me To You, To HHH
to the 4 tag teams pinned under his heaving body. Click
HERE To Read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: SPECIAL
FEATURE: PYRO & BALLYHOO~!: A Proper Gentleman's Guide To
TN Of A. (01/10/08) By now, most of us are familiar
with the TNA Impact script leaked onto the internet, and the
subsequent hilarious coining in said script of the expression
"PYRO & BALLYHOO". Join guest TNA Recapper, Rupert
Cuthbertson-Smythe, who much like the expression ballyhoo,
comes to us straight from the 1800's, for his very special
one-time only recap of last Thursday's Impact! Click HERE to read TNA Ye Olde
English-style~!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK REVIEW:
ECW: WITH ENOUGH VELOCITY, YOU CAN CREATE HEAT.
(01/16/08) Join Sean Carless as he ventures to the Land of the
extreme. Which extreme? Take your pick: Boredom? Apathy? Both?
Maybe. Plus, the first ever meeting of CM Punk vs. Chavo
Guerrero!...this week.
Plus, the potential racial powder-keg in a Armando/Heyman
confrontation, And a plea to Fans of new ECW! Both of
you! Click HERE to
read!
VAULT RECAPITATION: BLACK
SATURDAY! (01/28/08) Join Sean as he looks back to July
14, 1984 and the *first-time* Vince McMahon and his horrible
houndstooth jacket invaded World Championship Wrestling! Are
you ready for some kick ass action and incredible wrestling?
Well, you better try elsewhere, bub, unless you're really into
ten minute bear-hugs! All this, plus much more
bear-hugs! Click HERE to read Sean's
review~!
RECAPITATION: ROYAL RUMBLE 2008
(01/29/08) Join Sean Carless for another half-capitated
spectacle of stupidity! Superman Returns! Jeff Hardy is pinned
by a Glass Ceiling! Chris Jericho puts JBL in bondage, and
somewhere Billy Silverman is smiling! You know, before
remembering he's still unemployed. Plus, Roddy Piper and Jimmy
Snuka carry on their feud into the new millennium! No coconuts
were harmed, but a bowl of prunes may have been consumed! All
this, plus much more! Click HERE to read Sean's moronic rambling on all
things RUMBLE.
WWE.COM PARODY: WWE CELEBRATES BLACK
HISTORY MONTH!: (02/02/08) The following
section on WWE.com was just created. And well,
Wow. So with WWE obviously not seeing that a few of these
stereotyped characters aren't exactly something that should be
celebrated, I just had to parody it, right? RIGHT? (This is
the part where you agree with me). Click HERE to read!
VIDEO SATIRE: THE HAUNTING
2: OWEN A LIVING! (02/09/08) News outlets have
picked up the story that OWEN HART is apparently haunting
Kemper Arena, so I just *had* to hammer bad taste home and
create a truly absurd parody, right? Right? (This is the part
where you agree with me.). The following is a VIDEO PARODY,
but reads like a standard TWF satire. It's done so in video
format to allow for the truly huge animation files contained
within, and for music. Click HERE to
watch/read~!
HHH: THE FINAL
VERDICT: (02/18/08) On a bet, I made a decree to never
again make light of Triple H in ANY capacity, provided that
WWE somehow, someway ultimately kept him out of Wrestlemania's
Main Event for just ONE YEAR. I then vowed to "retire" in the
event I slipped up. And really Retire. No Piper retire.
Or Foley retire. Or Terry Funk retire. Or hell, any
fucking Wrestling retirement. But it was all moot,
because we now all know-uh how-uh that-uh turned-uh
out-uh. This was my stupid VIDEO response. Click HERE for
more!
"WWE TAGLINE POLL"
(02/21/08) That's right, I've added several new
submissions of my own to our parody of WWE's actual
(really terrible) tagline survey, in addition
to adding my *personal favorite* reader submissions, as
well. Click HERE to see and contribute to the
"poll"!
VAULT RECAPITATION: WRESTLEMANIA
2! (03/14/08) We're on to the Road To Wrestlemania, so
why not take a quick roadside piss break and jouney back to
Wrestlemania 2! A card so
terrible, it had to forced on three separate cities just to
lessen the blow! And a night, where if the family of the dude
in Nick Hogan's car has their way again, sees HULK HOGAN
BEHIND BARS. All this, plus much more! Click HERE to read the
Recapitation!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: THIS JUST IN: IT'S A
HARDY KNOCK LIFE FOR ME. (03/16/08) Poor Jeff Hardy's
home burned to the ground. The smell of some 300 mesh shirts
was said to permeate the air. But what happened? How did the
blaze start? I may have found some answers. Or made tasteless
jokes. Or both! Click HERE to read and
watch!
SATIRE: TNA STRAIGHT TO DVD
RENTALS~!: (03/21/08) Because, WWE isn't the only
company capable of producing completely shitty movies starring
wrestlers! From Jay Lethal breaking the spirit of women by
keeping them locked away (Hey, just like the real Randy
Savage!) to Curry Man on a murderous rampage throughout South
Texas, I have all your bases covered and more! Click HERE to read!
TWF RADIO returns!
(04/01/08) Recorded last Sunday night after Wrestlemania, It's
Episode 4: A NEW
HOPELESSNESS~! Featuring, Sean Carless, a shitty 2
dollar Radio Shack mic, a chemically-induced laid back
disposition, and Full Wrestlemania 24 coverage! From Super
Cena's new Kryptonite, to HBK taking Old Yeller behind the
barn and kicking him into Euthanasia, to God secretly being a
member of the IWC, Sean has all your Rasslemania bases
covered! Plus, Ric Flair-inspired drops and congratulatory,
umm, congratulations to TWF for 5 full Years of Tastelessness!
Click HERE to access the live
streaming link!
TWF SAYS GOODBYE: (04/05/08) With
all the outpouring of genuine emotion for the last match of a
true WWE legend, we here at TWF do OUR part, and pay video
tribute to the man who's WWE career is now seemingly over.
Click HERE to watch our emotional
video tribute.
SATIRE: WWE KIDS PREVIEW!
(04/25/08) WWE has a brand new business model: Market
exclusively towards children! And they've even started a new
website in an effort to hook new pre-teen viewers! This
is TWF's interpretation of that Website! From Jerry Lawler's
illegal Diva Search to Story-time with Kane to John Cena
teaching your children how to shit and then create comedy from
the waste, it's all covered here and more! Click HERE to read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: WRESTLING IN A
NUTSHELL: THE MEXICOOLS! (05/01/08) A brand new
feature, packed full of INSANFORMATION! "Wrestling in a
Nutshell" is just that, a quick & dirty look at a past
wrestler or angle that you may have forgotten, or maybe
never wanted to remember again! This week's topic: THE
MEXICOOLS. Vince McMahon had already parodied and
racially-stereotyped every race, color and creed before, so
how why not some wrestling
gardeners? I mean, clearly that's the only occupation in
Mexico, right? Click HERE to
read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: THE RAW DIARIES~!:
SEAN CARLESS'S INSANE 3 WEEK LOOK AT MILLION DOLLAR
MANIA! (06/23/08) For three weeks, our fearless
leader has kept detailed notes on the "rousing success" that
was RAW & Million Dollar Mania. You know, the only game
show on TV where you're guaranteed to see the host crushed by
giant electronic equipment. But tread lightly, my friends, for
unbridled insanity awaits you! You may never be the same
again. Click HERE to
read!
TWF SOUR 25! (09/23/08)
Obviously spoofing WWE's "Power25", TWF Sour 25 ranks the Top
25 (Bottom 25?) wrestling offenders, blunderers, idiots or the
just plain misfortunate of the week in classic TWF style. Just
who clocked in at number one this particular week, and
why? Click HERE to read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK RECAPITATION: HULK
HOGAN'S CELEBRITY CHAMPIONSHIP
WRESTLING~! (10/24/08) Ten Celebrities all
vie for the honor and prestige of being named first
ever CCW CHAMPION. A belt, that sooner or later will end
up around Hulk's waist, just because! That's how these
things usually work. So, join me, Sean Carless, as I
broke down the very first episode and give analysis as only I
can (can't?), and walk you
through the celebs first day on the job. Drop a leg out
there guys! Click HERE to read!
BACK-LEG FRONTKICK PRESENTS: JOEY STYLES'
PUNCH-OUT~! (12/12/08) Just in time for the Christmas
season! Drop it in your stocking...right after you drop a 300
pound Investment Banker! It's Joey Styles
Punch-out! -- The only thing more
embarrassing than being knocked out by the Subway Guy!
Click HERE to view the trailer!
AND
NOW FOR SOMETHING STUPID~!: BENNY HHHILL!
(VIDEO)
(02/25/08) Even in fast
motion, Trips moves at the speed of a Tectonic plate. Click HERE to View this quick & dirty
Stupidity!
AND
NOW FOR SOMETHING STUPID~!: THE KOZLOV SHOW!
(VIDEO)
(03/28/09) In Soviet
Russia, Kozlov Show taped in front of Studio Audience. Ever
wonder what would happen if The Moscow Mauler replaced Bill
Cosby in a 1980's Sitcom? What? I'm the only
one? Click HERE to View this quick & dirty
Stupidity!
WRESTLECRAP INDUCTION: LATINO SEED: THE AMAZING TRUE
STORY OF DOMINICK MYSTERIO GUERRERO!
(05/01/09) My
contribution to the vaunted & revered and fabricated
Wrestling themed Latino celebration of STINKO DE MAYO! My
effort?: Wrestling's first & only rivalry where two
men vied to be the first one to scale a ladder and thus
legally win ownership of a small child! (Somewhere out
there, Michael Jackson is no doubt learning how to
take bumps!). Click HERE to
read!
