**JULY 9, 2009**
SEAN'S PHOTOSHOP OF THE
DAY:
MATT HARDY' S
GUNT.
Much has
been made online of the recent weight-gain of one Matt Hardy;
a growing bulbousity that has upgraded his system to at
least V2.5. (V3 is forthcoming.).
That said,
for poor Matt Hardy, the jokes were numerous, and the defenses
non-existent. After all, many had stated that
brother, Jeff has had no weight issues, so what gives
with Matt? An answer I always deduced as, "It's hard to put on any weight when you
have your stomach pumped of all it's poisons by detox doctors
every night!" That's right.
That said, I
have never bought into this cruel hyperbole and have
ALWAYS defended Matt, his amoeba pajamas, and his
unfortunate hairline against all these wantonly cruel jokes
about his rapidly expanding waistline with FERVOR. A word I
don't even know the meaning of. When people said things like
"Fat Hardy" I said... well, nothing. That was kind of funny. But
I still didn't agree! I knew there was a logical explanation.
After all, I'd imagine actually slapping a tornado would
work up quite the appetite. A man's gotta eat!
But never
fear, Mfer's (not motherfuckers. Well, at least not most of
you.), Matt himself has FINALLY come onto the scene to set the
record STRAIGHT:
"Basically,
in a nutshell, my intestines were slowly tearing through my
abdomen, which affected my training greatly, my in-ring work,
and my physical appearance."
SEE. It was
his intestines! Told you.INTESTINES. INTESTINES FILLED WITH
FOOD~! Wait. I'm sorry.
Anyway,
speaking of Matt's aforementioned "Nutshell", that brings us
to the followingVISUAL PROOF-- Proof that you
may never sleep again!
The
following picture just appeared on Matt Hardy's "WWE UNIVERSE"
page--I'm sure to the delight of the 12 year old girls
there who likely still haven't come to terms with their own hairless Va-jay-jays, let
alone what appears to be their soon-to-be-ex-crush, Matt
Hardy's....
Dear
Christ. I guess I can scratch "Candid shot of Matt Hardy's
pubic bone" off my to-do list.
Seriously.
That is the stuff of nightmares right there. And here I
thought it would be Lita who'd have the more ravaged vagina.
Shows what I know.
So, there
you go. The proof is in the pudding! Pudding which is
slowly digesting inside Matt Hardy's gunt, no doubt.
Oh, dear
god.
BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE.
This picture
is like a car wreck. I cannot help staring at it, despite my
visceral gut reaction to look away. BUT I CANNOT. In fact, the
longer I stare at it...the more ANOTHER image comes screaming to
the forefront. An image now burned into my collective
subconscious forever! I KNOW I've seen this same
hairless, swollen pudginess before SOMEWHERE....
...BUT
WHERE?
Oh, dear
god.
THE WATER-RETAINING FACE OF MICHAEL
COLE~!
VINTAGE MANGINA~!
Tell me I'm
wrong.
I'm Sean.
And believe it or not, Michael Cole and
Intestines do have at least one thing in common--when left to
their own devices, they sure do produce a lot of
shit.
P.S. I'm not
really this much of an asshole. I just play one on the
Internet.
