50 QUESTIONS: THE
SEQUEL.
Once upon a time it was
in "vogue" to arrogantly bore your "friends" on
Myspace/ Facebook with the most mundane
minutia of your pathetic lives via tedious
and self-indulgent Q&A's and polls.
HERE'S ROUND TWO OF ME ADDING TO THAT
BURDEN.
1. How tall
are you barefoot? Hey! How do you know my
Indian name?
2. Have you ever
smoked heroin? Never! I've only injected
it! I'm old fashioned!
3. Do you
own a gun? I used to. But I had to wrap
it in a sandwich baggy and throw it into the
Hudson River. (don't ask.).
4. Do
you play with the ads on the side of the
screen? I try to. But they never seem to
throw the ball back. Stuck up
pricks.
5. Do you get nervous
before "meeting the parents"? Nah.
Meating the parents? Definitely.
6.
What do you think of hot dogs? I don't
trust them.
7. What's your favorite
Christmas song? That one with the guy
with the beard and the gimmicks.
8.
What do you prefer to drink in the
morning? 2 quarts of human blood. If only
for the sustenance.
9. Can you do
push ups? Yes. I just choose not to
because of a general inability. If not for that,
though, I'd be all over that
shit.
10. Is your bathroom
clean? No. It totally fell off the wagon.
I walked in the other day, and my bath tub was all
strung out and I even found that it robbed me to
buy crank. I'm thinking of rehab. Or
moving.
11. What's your favorite
piece of jewelry? Yours. Hopefully I get
a good price for it!
12. Do you
like pain killers? I'd answer this
question but my mind is fading and all my
extremities are too numb.
13. What
is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite
sex? Duct tape & rope! Just kidding!
As if I'd carry Duct Tape around with
me.
14. Do you own a
knife? Define "Own"?. Borrowed? I
guess you could say that. (my lawyer has actually
insisted.)
15. Do you have
A.D.H.D? Yes. Wait. No. What was the
question?
16. Middle Name?
Han Solo.
18. What's your normal
bed time? When the sun rises. I'm like a
Vampire. Only I seem to be lacking that inherent
charm to the ladies, and the immortality. Plus, I
love garlic, can see my reflection (thank god!)
and wear a crucifix. Other than that, though, I'm
EXACTLY like one.
19. Name 3
drinks you regularly drink: Whatever
doesn't have that cute little cartoon of the
screaming skeleton with the crossbones on
it.
20. What time did you wake up
today? I don't think I
did.
21. Name one person on your
mind right now? The restraining order
prohibits their mention. But they're sleeping
comfortably. Trust me.
22. Current
worry? The FBI finally finding the
bodies.
23. Current hate?
Probably races and religions different than my
own. Ah, I kid! Its the
Muslims!
24. Favorite place to
be? I'm trying to think of a tactful way
to say vagina.
25. Least favorite
place to be? The state of
guilt.
27. Do you own
slippers? Yes. I tend to dress like The
Dude 23/24 hours a day.
28. What
shirt are you wearing? A black tee with a
flaming Superman logo. Somehow I've convinced
myself it will give me otherworldly powers and
abilities and a cool house made of ice with a nice
wise man to keep me company via a series of
complicated crystals. Or that could just be the
aforementioned heroin.
29. How many
people have ever truly broken your heart?
1. Ox Baker.
30. Favorite
color(s)? I like brown because its the
color of chocolate! (Although, there was a mix up
one time. I don't like to talk about
it.)
31. Would you be a
pirate? Just for the ladies! Bend over
the poop-deck so I may stick my plunder in your
booty~!
32. Last time you had an
alcoholic drink? I take alcoholic's
drinks all the time. What are they going to do?
Chase me so I can follow it up by discreetly
blackjacking them in an alley before robbing them,
too? Hopefully.
33. What songs do
you sing in the shower? Never. I'm a
mono-tasker. That'd mean I'd have to stop
masturbating. And well, that'd be
absurd.
34. What did you fear was
going to get you in the night as a child?
A sudden conscience.
35. What's in
your pockets right now? A map to your
house. Almost there!
36. Is anyone
on your mind right now? My mind?
Or my penis? Because I've been told they're one in
the same.
37. Do you think you get
enough exercise? I run a lot. Dogs and
Police cars are usually involved. But hey,
exercise is exercise!
38. Worst
injury you've ever had? Pulled my groin
once. Felt so good, I kept
pulling.
39. If you could cheat on
your spouse, would you? What do you mean
by could? What have you
heard?
41. Who is your loudest
friend? Jay
42. Who is
your most silent friend? He's dead. So, I
guess he wins by default.
43. Does
someone have a crush on you? The woman
who ran me over with her minivan last year.
Although, it wasn't so much a "crush" as it was
"crushing". I think she liked me, though. I could
tell by the way she shyly fled the scene without
ever looking back.
44. Do you wish
on shooting stars? Yes; the other day, I
saw 50 Cent with a piece discreetly tucked into
his jacket, and I wished for his money. He shot
me.
45. What is your favorite
book? The one I finished writing. It's
the best thing you've never read in your life, I
promise.
46. What is your favorite
candy? What am I, like
5?
47. What song do/did you want
played at your wedding? I like Big Butts.
If only for the romance it
elicits.
48. What song do you want
played at your funeral? Highway to Hell.
If only to freak everyone out. And because it's
true.
49. What is one of your
favorite quotes? The one I just got at
the pawn shop on that jewelry of yours
.
50. What were you doing 12 AM
last night? Your wife. She was
awesome!
